So looking through my phone, I find a text thing that is tagged “Daily Reminder” 

Of course I click it, but I made it so long ago and when I looked at it, it just made me even more depressed than what I already am. This is what it said: 

I am the only person who will understand how I feel. Only I can understand how badly it hurts to be me and yet I do nothing. I just sit there and cry. Not only that, I’m the only one who looks twice at others. No one wants to turn twice to look at my face. I’ll never be anyone and no one will ever love me. No matter what they say, it will always be a lie. I’m a hideous grotesque monster who deserves to die.

I’m so hard on myself and the worst thing about all of this is that it all started because I didn’t know if I liked someone or not. I didn’t understand my emotions, so I panicked and I knew that someone else was bound to like him if I liked him so my chances of even talking to that person were and are slim. It’s impossible for me to be that way for anyone. All I’ll do is freak out about how I know nothing on the topic, and yet I can help so many others have their own love life.

Just for the record, this is not about you. She knows who I’m talking to if she reads this. 

I’ve just always felt this way and I don’t want anyone else to feel how I do. I’m pretty set on having a fantasy relationship for the rest of my life with a made up person. I just.. I really don’t see me being with anyone. I don’t think that anyone will actually love me. I’m not pretty, skinny, talented… I don’t have a nice smile, my eyes aren’t special and I’m weird, awkward and annoying.  I have other things set out for me that hopefully God has set out but.. Being in a relationship/ having a significant other just can’t be one of those things. I’ll just mess it up and if I end up loosing someone that I love whole heartedly I don’t think I’ll make it. 

I’ve seen friends who have been through that who are devastated and eventually get over it. I can’t. Those things linger with me and I have enough things that make me mentally unstable.

Of course, I’m really upset about it, but whenever I try I just think about the fear of being rejected or being cheated on. So what’s the point…