Faulty

I am a person of many faults. I have tried things and I have failed them. I have noticed my own short comings and I have anticipated my own failures. However, I have never given myself credit for the things that I do well.

In fact I have hated myself for them. 

I haven’t been on this blog in a while because I never follow up. I never keep things going and I feel like that is just going to run me into a whole in my future. I want to be successful and I want to be the best that I can be, and as of now that is what’s going to happen. I don’t have to follow the trends when I can set them. I don’t need to keep up with everyone else’s lives when I can’t even follow up with my own.

Last night, I had a revelation. A moment of realization, and these moments always happen to me. In little spurts whenever I find myself slipping in the right direction, they keep me moving. Just as I went to lie down, a thought popped into my head. 

“I was put on this earth to love Jesus, others, and myself. Through all those things, that is when I truly can feel joy.”

Now, I’m not going to make this into a post solely based on my faith, only because I’m not sure where I am in that sense. This is, however a moment of truce. I’ve been so worked up over my nano story and not finishing on time. So caught up on how there aren’t enough hours in the day, well that’s adulthood. There aren’t and when there are going to be, they will be considered lazy days, and that’s okay. The one thing out of that thought that I haven’t followed up with, is loving myself and my whole life I’ve been told to do so. Then told to stop being so selfish and focus on the time and patience of others. I was so caught up in everyone that I completely ignored myself.

I’ve been taking these antidepressants and they have truly helped me in this battle of self loathing, to the point where I look in the mirror and smile instead of scowling in disgust. The only reason I started taking medicine was because I prayed to God at work that it would go away. That it would just be vanished and that I would love myself and begin to find someone who loved me and lo and behold after that, that’s exactly what happened. You can’t rush love of course, but I’m finding my way to appreciate everything and everyone including myself and that’s the first step. They always say, a man loves a girl with confidence and I plan on running the streets with all my confidence.

The times are changing. Things are going to be a lot more about me and changing my view on myself. Then it’ll change my view of everyone else and it’ll be a delightful cycle of how Jesus did this. God gave me this courage to change my view on myself and through changing me, I can help change the world.

Faults and all.

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