A

My favorite thing about when we talk is he tells me how happy he us to help other people. He got so emotional when he was doing charity work, it warmed my heart.

When he texts me at work about it all i can do is smile. It’s silly but it’s mine.

I’ve realized that long distance relationships are really good.you may say it’s bad finding someone online, but after a while you become best friends. That’s when it’s gets good, and honestly i couldn’t think of a better relationship. I consider this a first for me.every other relationship just seemed fake and i was just lying to myself.this is real and i love it, just as much as i say i love him.

A-

Normally I would get a good morning from A-, but i didn’t. I didn’t get anything all day. So naturally i thought he was busy at his family restaurant.

Well, around 7 o’clock, he sent me one text that said, “I love you…”

A lot of people say its too soon to say that, but i think what is between us, it’s fine. Considering people also think it shouldn’t even be mentioned because we haven’t hung out “officially”. You know what? I don’t care.

I’m in a long distance relationship. I don’t care about other people. He makes me happy and helps me love myself and I do the same for him.

And you know what? I love him too.

A-

So for about two weeks now I’ve been seeing this guy who will remain as A-. In a more disproving tone that my friends would give me if they were to find out how I met him, I figure I can say on here and not be judged or scolded. Like a lot of people these days, a long distance relationship is what I have, we met over the internet. Which is typical for me. No one I actually know would date me but that’s a whole other story with personal issues laced within it. Since I don’t post as much on here, I figure I should at least catch you up on what has been going on.

(These posts aren’t in order, so I’ll make it make sense.)

 

Now that we’re started talking more in depth, he knows how awkward and inexperienced I am when it comes to “relationships”. So far I’m really happy because he has seen me when I’m all dolled up, and when I’m an absolute slob and he hasn’t run away screaming. He’s seen me have a bad and a good day and I’ve seen the same for him in reverse. He’s so sweet and it actually warms my heart. After a long time of dwelling on it and fearing the absolute worst, I think I’m going to take that step and just go and do it. I’ll probably do it 2 weekends from now, but I’m going to go to Cincy and see him. As an early birthday present to myself and an early Christmas/New Years to the both of us. 

Who knows maybe I’ll even get one of those cheesy new year kisses. I hope not, I’m not that brave. But A is hurt so my main goal is to basically cheer him up and make food. Which he thinks is hilarious because I’m supposed to be “cooking for the chef”.

Lately, or more recently things with A- and I haven’t gone off to a god awful start and it’s nice. I feel like I just have a guy friend who occasionally uses terms of endearment and tells me to have a good nice and things. I still think it’s weird, but he’s very patient and understanding of how awkward I am. Yesterday he “cried” because I didn’t give him a selfie for two days when there was an unspoken agreement that we should send one to each other every day. I found out that he is actually really self conscious. He was afraid to tell me about his tattoo’s because he thought I would disprove of them. He doesn’t think he looks nice and I think it’s completely fine. I think he’s fine, in ever meaning of the word. 

I think A- and I will be fine. : )

Youth Group

I’m pretty certain that if it were not for youth group, I would have lost faith. 

If it were not for the Godly people that surrounded me prior I would have been lost.

I thank God everyday for what he has done for me, and it has been so much compared to all the bad that has happened. Satan can not and will not control me anymore, because what happens here on this earth is only temporary. I have so much more to come and I am thrilled. It is God who knows where I go in life, he knew when he sent his son down to die for  me. 

I am a daughter of Christ among my huge family of Christians. We follow no religion, we just love our God to know limits because he is a deserving, almighty, powerful, loving God who will provide in all our darkest times.

Amen!

Depression, Anxiety and Fears – Oh my!

  1. So looking through my phone, I find a text thing that is tagged “Daily Reminder” 

    Of course I click it, but I made it so long ago and when I looked at it, it just made me even more depressed than what I already am. This is what it said: 

    I am the only person who will understand how I feel. Only I can understand how badly it hurts to be me and yet I do nothing. I just sit there and cry. Not only that, I’m the only one who looks twice at others. No one wants to turn twice to look at my face. I’ll never be anyone and no one will ever love me. No matter what they say, it will always be a lie. I’m a hideous grotesque monster who deserves to die.


    I’m so hard on myself and the worst thing about all of this is that it all started because I didn’t know if I liked someone or not. I didn’t understand my emotions, so I panicked and I knew that someone else was bound to like him if I liked him so my chances of even talking to that person were and are slim. It’s impossible for me to be that way for anyone. All I’ll do is freak out about how I know nothing on the topic, and yet I can help so many others have their own love life.

    Just for the record, this is not about you. She knows who I’m talking to if she reads this. 

    I’ve just always felt this way and I don’t want anyone else to feel how I do. I’m pretty set on having a fantasy relationship for the rest of my life with a made up person. I just.. I really don’t see me being with anyone. I don’t think that anyone will actually love me. I’m not pretty, skinny, talented… I don’t have a nice smile, my eyes aren’t special and I’m weird, awkward and annoying.  I have other things set out for me that hopefully God has set out but.. Being in a relationship/ having a significant other just can’t be one of those things. I’ll just mess it up and if I end up loosing someone that I love whole heartedly I don’t think I’ll make it. 

    I’ve seen friends who have been through that who are devastated and eventually get over it. I can’t. Those things linger with me and I have enough things that make me mentally unstable.

    Of course, I’m really upset about it, but whenever I try I just think about the fear of being rejected or being cheated on. So what’s the point…

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