A

My favorite thing about when we talk is he tells me how happy he us to help other people. He got so emotional when he was doing charity work, it warmed my heart.

When he texts me at work about it all i can do is smile. It’s silly but it’s mine.

I’ve realized that long distance relationships are really good.you may say it’s bad finding someone online, but after a while you become best friends. That’s when it’s gets good, and honestly i couldn’t think of a better relationship. I consider this a first for me.every other relationship just seemed fake and i was just lying to myself.this is real and i love it, just as much as i say i love him.

A-

Normally I would get a good morning from A-, but i didn’t. I didn’t get anything all day. So naturally i thought he was busy at his family restaurant.

Well, around 7 o’clock, he sent me one text that said, “I love you…”

A lot of people say its too soon to say that, but i think what is between us, it’s fine. Considering people also think it shouldn’t even be mentioned because we haven’t hung out “officially”. You know what? I don’t care.

I’m in a long distance relationship. I don’t care about other people. He makes me happy and helps me love myself and I do the same for him.

And you know what? I love him too.

Faulty

I am a person of many faults. I have tried things and I have failed them. I have noticed my own short comings and I have anticipated my own failures. However, I have never given myself credit for the things that I do well.

In fact I have hated myself for them. 

I haven’t been on this blog in a while because I never follow up. I never keep things going and I feel like that is just going to run me into a whole in my future. I want to be successful and I want to be the best that I can be, and as of now that is what’s going to happen. I don’t have to follow the trends when I can set them. I don’t need to keep up with everyone else’s lives when I can’t even follow up with my own.

Last night, I had a revelation. A moment of realization, and these moments always happen to me. In little spurts whenever I find myself slipping in the right direction, they keep me moving. Just as I went to lie down, a thought popped into my head. 

“I was put on this earth to love Jesus, others, and myself. Through all those things, that is when I truly can feel joy.”

Now, I’m not going to make this into a post solely based on my faith, only because I’m not sure where I am in that sense. This is, however a moment of truce. I’ve been so worked up over my nano story and not finishing on time. So caught up on how there aren’t enough hours in the day, well that’s adulthood. There aren’t and when there are going to be, they will be considered lazy days, and that’s okay. The one thing out of that thought that I haven’t followed up with, is loving myself and my whole life I’ve been told to do so. Then told to stop being so selfish and focus on the time and patience of others. I was so caught up in everyone that I completely ignored myself.

I’ve been taking these antidepressants and they have truly helped me in this battle of self loathing, to the point where I look in the mirror and smile instead of scowling in disgust. The only reason I started taking medicine was because I prayed to God at work that it would go away. That it would just be vanished and that I would love myself and begin to find someone who loved me and lo and behold after that, that’s exactly what happened. You can’t rush love of course, but I’m finding my way to appreciate everything and everyone including myself and that’s the first step. They always say, a man loves a girl with confidence and I plan on running the streets with all my confidence.

The times are changing. Things are going to be a lot more about me and changing my view on myself. Then it’ll change my view of everyone else and it’ll be a delightful cycle of how Jesus did this. God gave me this courage to change my view on myself and through changing me, I can help change the world.

Faults and all.

I’m not in mourning, I’m just filled with emotion

” It is this belief that made us who we were, but also many other things, all of them vital-
And all of the things that made us great were the very things that were going to end us-

Fiction. Friction. Creation. Destruction. Opposition. Aggression. Ambition. Heart. Hate. Courage. Spite. Beauty. Desperation. LOVE. Fear. Glamour. Weakness. Hope.

Fatalism. 

That last one is very important. My Chemical Romance had, built within its core, a fail-safe. A doomsday device, should certain events occur or cease occurring, would detonate. I shared knowledge of this “flaw” within weeks of its inception. 
Personally, I embraced it because, again, it made us perfect. A perfect machine, beautiful, yet self aware of it’s system. Under directive to terminate before it becomes compromised. To protect the idea- at all costs. This probably sounds like something ripped from the pages of a four-color comic book, and that’s the point.
No compromise. No surrender. No ****ing ****.

To me that’s rock and roll. And I believe in rock and roll.” – Gerard Way

All I can really say is that I loved this man more than I probably love myself and to some that probably sounds unsafe, or unhealthy. Well, it’s the truth. MCR was a very big, very important part in my life. Though I never made it seem like such a thing, I never made myself, visually look like a super fan, I never had a chance to go to any of their concerts. I didn’t have a lot of their merch, but I listened to their music. I listened to their words and their words spoke to me. They may not speak to a lot of people but they hit home for me. Especially songs from “The Black Parade”. I don’t care what you say, that entire album was THE album for me, and apparently a lot of the other fans as well. More importantly,”Famous Last Words” but that’s a whole other topic. 

You may just say, ” It’s just a band” but it’s not. It’s a life saver. That’s what music does it saves lives. It brings that little part of hope, that little voice that tells you, you can’t vanishes and all you can feel is what’s going through your headphones or your speakers. It’s the relief you get from screaming those lyrics at the top of your lungs and having NOTHING bring you day for that moment, that hour, that day or even forever. 

Most importantly, it’s not even the music, it’s the people and MCR has such a wonderful group of talented people. A talented family with a beautifully broken fanbase. An Army and MCRmy that is basically unstoppable even in their brokenness . However, me, personally, what I can take from My Chemical Romance, what I can take from Gerard is that it is okay to be different. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be YOU and I will continue to live by the quote Gerard told us so long ago. 

“Stay beautiful. Keep it ugly.”

Youth Group

I’m pretty certain that if it were not for youth group, I would have lost faith. 

If it were not for the Godly people that surrounded me prior I would have been lost.

I thank God everyday for what he has done for me, and it has been so much compared to all the bad that has happened. Satan can not and will not control me anymore, because what happens here on this earth is only temporary. I have so much more to come and I am thrilled. It is God who knows where I go in life, he knew when he sent his son down to die for  me. 

I am a daughter of Christ among my huge family of Christians. We follow no religion, we just love our God to know limits because he is a deserving, almighty, powerful, loving God who will provide in all our darkest times.

Amen!

Depression, Anxiety and Fears – Oh my!

  1. So looking through my phone, I find a text thing that is tagged “Daily Reminder” 

    Of course I click it, but I made it so long ago and when I looked at it, it just made me even more depressed than what I already am. This is what it said: 

    I am the only person who will understand how I feel. Only I can understand how badly it hurts to be me and yet I do nothing. I just sit there and cry. Not only that, I’m the only one who looks twice at others. No one wants to turn twice to look at my face. I’ll never be anyone and no one will ever love me. No matter what they say, it will always be a lie. I’m a hideous grotesque monster who deserves to die.


    I’m so hard on myself and the worst thing about all of this is that it all started because I didn’t know if I liked someone or not. I didn’t understand my emotions, so I panicked and I knew that someone else was bound to like him if I liked him so my chances of even talking to that person were and are slim. It’s impossible for me to be that way for anyone. All I’ll do is freak out about how I know nothing on the topic, and yet I can help so many others have their own love life.

    Just for the record, this is not about you. She knows who I’m talking to if she reads this. 

    I’ve just always felt this way and I don’t want anyone else to feel how I do. I’m pretty set on having a fantasy relationship for the rest of my life with a made up person. I just.. I really don’t see me being with anyone. I don’t think that anyone will actually love me. I’m not pretty, skinny, talented… I don’t have a nice smile, my eyes aren’t special and I’m weird, awkward and annoying.  I have other things set out for me that hopefully God has set out but.. Being in a relationship/ having a significant other just can’t be one of those things. I’ll just mess it up and if I end up loosing someone that I love whole heartedly I don’t think I’ll make it. 

    I’ve seen friends who have been through that who are devastated and eventually get over it. I can’t. Those things linger with me and I have enough things that make me mentally unstable.

    Of course, I’m really upset about it, but whenever I try I just think about the fear of being rejected or being cheated on. So what’s the point…

Mobility: Its pros fortunate.

Firstly, I would like to start off and say I apologize ahead of time for any dramtic gramatical errors.

It’s been a long time coming since I’ve used this blog,  and quite frankly I believe that if I’m going to make it, it should be used.

I’ve had the horrible realization that no matter how much I crave physical and emotional affection, I will never know how to accept it. It goes hand in had with my personal beliefs if not being worthy. I believe that any and everyone is better than me at everything that has ever been created – drawing, singing, staying between the lines. Everything right up to committment basically.

You see, I don’t have an issue with committment, I’ve just never been put in tha situation before. Yes, I know. The chick who has been single is complaining about her life on her blog. How typical. Well this is not that. If I have a problem about my own committment issues, it’s just that. I don’t really know how to use them. I am not quite understanding if my emotions because they are still something I understand. I’m old enough to understand them, grasp what they mean and how they make me feel. However, I’m not certain on how to put them in action. Take the real life scenario:

A person of interest approaches you. You’ve only invisioned the action occuring in your daydreams, never in reality. When it  happens, you’re overwhelmed with the whole lot of emotions, but the one you truly want to express is not there along with he appropriate wording. Leaving you with a dry mouth, a never ending awkward conversation, and said POI leaving without even taking you seriously and leaving with a nice young chancer who knew her stance.

It’s devastating. Even worse when you think you can just pull off a one nighter and you fail miserably. I wouldn’t be apart if that – I’m far to young and knowledgable for that. I guess I’m just really bad at talking to folk of the opposite sex. Although, I know what I want and who I want. It just comes down to the problem if me not knowing what to do and the fear of being rejected.

I am fully aware that rejection happens to everyone, and that’s safe and healthy. I believe that it’s also knowing where you stand and knowing your limits on rejection. For me – not to sound like some overly committed freak – rejection just seems too overbearing. I would not be able to handle it, whether it is giving or recieving.

Too much stress to handle.

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