I’m not in mourning, I’m just filled with emotion

” It is this belief that made us who we were, but also many other things, all of them vital-
And all of the things that made us great were the very things that were going to end us-

Fiction. Friction. Creation. Destruction. Opposition. Aggression. Ambition. Heart. Hate. Courage. Spite. Beauty. Desperation. LOVE. Fear. Glamour. Weakness. Hope.

Fatalism. 

That last one is very important. My Chemical Romance had, built within its core, a fail-safe. A doomsday device, should certain events occur or cease occurring, would detonate. I shared knowledge of this “flaw” within weeks of its inception. 
Personally, I embraced it because, again, it made us perfect. A perfect machine, beautiful, yet self aware of it’s system. Under directive to terminate before it becomes compromised. To protect the idea- at all costs. This probably sounds like something ripped from the pages of a four-color comic book, and that’s the point.
No compromise. No surrender. No ****ing ****.

To me that’s rock and roll. And I believe in rock and roll.” – Gerard Way

All I can really say is that I loved this man more than I probably love myself and to some that probably sounds unsafe, or unhealthy. Well, it’s the truth. MCR was a very big, very important part in my life. Though I never made it seem like such a thing, I never made myself, visually look like a super fan, I never had a chance to go to any of their concerts. I didn’t have a lot of their merch, but I listened to their music. I listened to their words and their words spoke to me. They may not speak to a lot of people but they hit home for me. Especially songs from “The Black Parade”. I don’t care what you say, that entire album was THE album for me, and apparently a lot of the other fans as well. More importantly,”Famous Last Words” but that’s a whole other topic. 

You may just say, ” It’s just a band” but it’s not. It’s a life saver. That’s what music does it saves lives. It brings that little part of hope, that little voice that tells you, you can’t vanishes and all you can feel is what’s going through your headphones or your speakers. It’s the relief you get from screaming those lyrics at the top of your lungs and having NOTHING bring you day for that moment, that hour, that day or even forever. 

Most importantly, it’s not even the music, it’s the people and MCR has such a wonderful group of talented people. A talented family with a beautifully broken fanbase. An Army and MCRmy that is basically unstoppable even in their brokenness . However, me, personally, what I can take from My Chemical Romance, what I can take from Gerard is that it is okay to be different. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be YOU and I will continue to live by the quote Gerard told us so long ago. 

“Stay beautiful. Keep it ugly.”

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Youth Group

I’m pretty certain that if it were not for youth group, I would have lost faith. 

If it were not for the Godly people that surrounded me prior I would have been lost.

I thank God everyday for what he has done for me, and it has been so much compared to all the bad that has happened. Satan can not and will not control me anymore, because what happens here on this earth is only temporary. I have so much more to come and I am thrilled. It is God who knows where I go in life, he knew when he sent his son down to die for  me. 

I am a daughter of Christ among my huge family of Christians. We follow no religion, we just love our God to know limits because he is a deserving, almighty, powerful, loving God who will provide in all our darkest times.

Amen!

Depression, Anxiety and Fears – Oh my!

  1. So looking through my phone, I find a text thing that is tagged “Daily Reminder” 

    Of course I click it, but I made it so long ago and when I looked at it, it just made me even more depressed than what I already am. This is what it said: 

    I am the only person who will understand how I feel. Only I can understand how badly it hurts to be me and yet I do nothing. I just sit there and cry. Not only that, I’m the only one who looks twice at others. No one wants to turn twice to look at my face. I’ll never be anyone and no one will ever love me. No matter what they say, it will always be a lie. I’m a hideous grotesque monster who deserves to die.


    I’m so hard on myself and the worst thing about all of this is that it all started because I didn’t know if I liked someone or not. I didn’t understand my emotions, so I panicked and I knew that someone else was bound to like him if I liked him so my chances of even talking to that person were and are slim. It’s impossible for me to be that way for anyone. All I’ll do is freak out about how I know nothing on the topic, and yet I can help so many others have their own love life.

    Just for the record, this is not about you. She knows who I’m talking to if she reads this. 

    I’ve just always felt this way and I don’t want anyone else to feel how I do. I’m pretty set on having a fantasy relationship for the rest of my life with a made up person. I just.. I really don’t see me being with anyone. I don’t think that anyone will actually love me. I’m not pretty, skinny, talented… I don’t have a nice smile, my eyes aren’t special and I’m weird, awkward and annoying.  I have other things set out for me that hopefully God has set out but.. Being in a relationship/ having a significant other just can’t be one of those things. I’ll just mess it up and if I end up loosing someone that I love whole heartedly I don’t think I’ll make it. 

    I’ve seen friends who have been through that who are devastated and eventually get over it. I can’t. Those things linger with me and I have enough things that make me mentally unstable.

    Of course, I’m really upset about it, but whenever I try I just think about the fear of being rejected or being cheated on. So what’s the point…

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