I’m not in mourning, I’m just filled with emotion

” It is this belief that made us who we were, but also many other things, all of them vital-
And all of the things that made us great were the very things that were going to end us-

Fiction. Friction. Creation. Destruction. Opposition. Aggression. Ambition. Heart. Hate. Courage. Spite. Beauty. Desperation. LOVE. Fear. Glamour. Weakness. Hope.

Fatalism. 

That last one is very important. My Chemical Romance had, built within its core, a fail-safe. A doomsday device, should certain events occur or cease occurring, would detonate. I shared knowledge of this “flaw” within weeks of its inception. 
Personally, I embraced it because, again, it made us perfect. A perfect machine, beautiful, yet self aware of it’s system. Under directive to terminate before it becomes compromised. To protect the idea- at all costs. This probably sounds like something ripped from the pages of a four-color comic book, and that’s the point.
No compromise. No surrender. No ****ing ****.

To me that’s rock and roll. And I believe in rock and roll.” – Gerard Way

All I can really say is that I loved this man more than I probably love myself and to some that probably sounds unsafe, or unhealthy. Well, it’s the truth. MCR was a very big, very important part in my life. Though I never made it seem like such a thing, I never made myself, visually look like a super fan, I never had a chance to go to any of their concerts. I didn’t have a lot of their merch, but I listened to their music. I listened to their words and their words spoke to me. They may not speak to a lot of people but they hit home for me. Especially songs from “The Black Parade”. I don’t care what you say, that entire album was THE album for me, and apparently a lot of the other fans as well. More importantly,”Famous Last Words” but that’s a whole other topic. 

You may just say, ” It’s just a band” but it’s not. It’s a life saver. That’s what music does it saves lives. It brings that little part of hope, that little voice that tells you, you can’t vanishes and all you can feel is what’s going through your headphones or your speakers. It’s the relief you get from screaming those lyrics at the top of your lungs and having NOTHING bring you day for that moment, that hour, that day or even forever. 

Most importantly, it’s not even the music, it’s the people and MCR has such a wonderful group of talented people. A talented family with a beautifully broken fanbase. An Army and MCRmy that is basically unstoppable even in their brokenness . However, me, personally, what I can take from My Chemical Romance, what I can take from Gerard is that it is okay to be different. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be YOU and I will continue to live by the quote Gerard told us so long ago. 

“Stay beautiful. Keep it ugly.”

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Beginning of the End!

December 21. 2012

 The publicly proclaimed end of the world. Fear being shown through thousands of hearts and minds as people slept thinking that they would awaken to mass hysteria and death around them. Unfortunately for them, they woke up the their everyday lives continuing, which only brings me to my first question: What were you going to do?

If the world would end, what were you going to do about it? Go back to the faith you ignored, find a faith to believe in and pray to God? Or would you have just accepted it knowing that you would go to heaven, or at least thinking you were.  Yes, we have the technology and capability to ” fight back”, but what exactly were we going to fight back against? These questions will continue to stick with me, but until something happens, I shall continue living my life for Christ. No matter how many false prophets come out and declare the end I will always know that no one knows the time or the day, and if the world were to end in my lifetime then I would wait for Jesus to return to the Earth and take his people. All his people, from the meek to the strong.  

                      Image

Waiting In The Glow

I see the mystery

unravel itself before me

My eyes are amazed at my findings

Truth, happiness, peace

The fear of death is dead and gone

and still I stand here

Bold and Strong

Facing obstacles that are placed before me

But only in the eyes of my God will he see

My struggles, my thoughts

My us and my downs

My smiles and my frowns

My tears and all I’ve lost

The pain is my past

The mystery is my present

The peace is my future

and that’s all I need to know

It’s what I found in the glow

Mobility: Its pros fortunate.

Firstly, I would like to start off and say I apologize ahead of time for any dramtic gramatical errors.

It’s been a long time coming since I’ve used this blog,  and quite frankly I believe that if I’m going to make it, it should be used.

I’ve had the horrible realization that no matter how much I crave physical and emotional affection, I will never know how to accept it. It goes hand in had with my personal beliefs if not being worthy. I believe that any and everyone is better than me at everything that has ever been created – drawing, singing, staying between the lines. Everything right up to committment basically.

You see, I don’t have an issue with committment, I’ve just never been put in tha situation before. Yes, I know. The chick who has been single is complaining about her life on her blog. How typical. Well this is not that. If I have a problem about my own committment issues, it’s just that. I don’t really know how to use them. I am not quite understanding if my emotions because they are still something I understand. I’m old enough to understand them, grasp what they mean and how they make me feel. However, I’m not certain on how to put them in action. Take the real life scenario:

A person of interest approaches you. You’ve only invisioned the action occuring in your daydreams, never in reality. When it  happens, you’re overwhelmed with the whole lot of emotions, but the one you truly want to express is not there along with he appropriate wording. Leaving you with a dry mouth, a never ending awkward conversation, and said POI leaving without even taking you seriously and leaving with a nice young chancer who knew her stance.

It’s devastating. Even worse when you think you can just pull off a one nighter and you fail miserably. I wouldn’t be apart if that – I’m far to young and knowledgable for that. I guess I’m just really bad at talking to folk of the opposite sex. Although, I know what I want and who I want. It just comes down to the problem if me not knowing what to do and the fear of being rejected.

I am fully aware that rejection happens to everyone, and that’s safe and healthy. I believe that it’s also knowing where you stand and knowing your limits on rejection. For me – not to sound like some overly committed freak – rejection just seems too overbearing. I would not be able to handle it, whether it is giving or recieving.

Too much stress to handle.

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