A moment of realization

Going beyond my typical new year’s resolutions, I started changing last year. The way I see it, I should not have to change for a new year, but because I want to change myself. Not to fit into the typical gap and latching onto what everyone else is doing, because then I wont do anything. 

I don’t like that – it gets absolutely nothing done.

So, I started reading the bible last year, using the bible app for it’s useful plans as a kick starter. From there, I would get motivated to read a psalm or a proverb and enlighten myself one day at a time.

The other day I came across a simple story about Noah saying that just because he was righteous and blameless doesn’t mean he never sinned. It means that he wholeheartedly loved and obeyed God. This is something that I am very aware of,( “for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” Rom 3:23). However, the very last question the small excerpt had for me to dwell on was, “are we influencing others or being influenced by them?” I thought long and hard about this question, about who I was now, who I was in my past and who I wanted to be. To any other person not focusing or taking the question in depth would say, ” i think i influence others”, but that’s just it, you think you’re doing something influential, you think that you’re being a change. You should never think that, you should be certain, not prideful, but aware. Not gloating, but conscious. 

Before I read the given verse of Gen 6:9, I thought and responded truthfully to myself and to God. I am easily influenced by others. Fitting in is a huge issue with many people, we all want to please one another and no one takes a stand to be the changer. I want to change, I always have and so I shall. It’s easier said than done. You need to get out of the shell, cut loose from whatever is holding you to your comfort zone. It’s okay to have a comfort zone, but it shouldn’t be what you cling to in ever situation no matter how simple. 

That same day, while I was still hyped up on the Word, I read another plan that gave me 1 Thess 5:16-18, ” Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

I am a person who struggles with her emotions, and this verse moved me. It moved me to the point where I felt unstoppable. I know for a fact that I can be a change. I was already given a leader, now all I need to be is a follower. Following the Word, its wisdom and it’s little tips to get through life. As Phil 4:13 says, ” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” 

No life is not simple, yes times will get hard, so hard to the point where you want to give up, but it’s important that you keep going because as it says, all throughout the bible, God has a plan. Even if you don’t believe in God, or any religion, you were put on this earth for a reason. To be in contact with other living beings, to thrive in the green, to look up at the various blue and to travel around this huge globe and find so much more.

Depression, Anxiety and Fears – Oh my!

  1. So looking through my phone, I find a text thing that is tagged “Daily Reminder” 

    Of course I click it, but I made it so long ago and when I looked at it, it just made me even more depressed than what I already am. This is what it said: 

    I am the only person who will understand how I feel. Only I can understand how badly it hurts to be me and yet I do nothing. I just sit there and cry. Not only that, I’m the only one who looks twice at others. No one wants to turn twice to look at my face. I’ll never be anyone and no one will ever love me. No matter what they say, it will always be a lie. I’m a hideous grotesque monster who deserves to die.


    I’m so hard on myself and the worst thing about all of this is that it all started because I didn’t know if I liked someone or not. I didn’t understand my emotions, so I panicked and I knew that someone else was bound to like him if I liked him so my chances of even talking to that person were and are slim. It’s impossible for me to be that way for anyone. All I’ll do is freak out about how I know nothing on the topic, and yet I can help so many others have their own love life.

    Just for the record, this is not about you. She knows who I’m talking to if she reads this. 

    I’ve just always felt this way and I don’t want anyone else to feel how I do. I’m pretty set on having a fantasy relationship for the rest of my life with a made up person. I just.. I really don’t see me being with anyone. I don’t think that anyone will actually love me. I’m not pretty, skinny, talented… I don’t have a nice smile, my eyes aren’t special and I’m weird, awkward and annoying.  I have other things set out for me that hopefully God has set out but.. Being in a relationship/ having a significant other just can’t be one of those things. I’ll just mess it up and if I end up loosing someone that I love whole heartedly I don’t think I’ll make it. 

    I’ve seen friends who have been through that who are devastated and eventually get over it. I can’t. Those things linger with me and I have enough things that make me mentally unstable.

    Of course, I’m really upset about it, but whenever I try I just think about the fear of being rejected or being cheated on. So what’s the point…

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