Firstly, I would like to start off and say I apologize ahead of time for any dramtic gramatical errors.
It’s been a long time coming since I’ve used this blog, and quite frankly I believe that if I’m going to make it, it should be used.
I’ve had the horrible realization that no matter how much I crave physical and emotional affection, I will never know how to accept it. It goes hand in had with my personal beliefs if not being worthy. I believe that any and everyone is better than me at everything that has ever been created – drawing, singing, staying between the lines. Everything right up to committment basically.
You see, I don’t have an issue with committment, I’ve just never been put in tha situation before. Yes, I know. The chick who has been single is complaining about her life on her blog. How typical. Well this is not that. If I have a problem about my own committment issues, it’s just that. I don’t really know how to use them. I am not quite understanding if my emotions because they are still something I understand. I’m old enough to understand them, grasp what they mean and how they make me feel. However, I’m not certain on how to put them in action. Take the real life scenario:
A person of interest approaches you. You’ve only invisioned the action occuring in your daydreams, never in reality. When it happens, you’re overwhelmed with the whole lot of emotions, but the one you truly want to express is not there along with he appropriate wording. Leaving you with a dry mouth, a never ending awkward conversation, and said POI leaving without even taking you seriously and leaving with a nice young chancer who knew her stance.
It’s devastating. Even worse when you think you can just pull off a one nighter and you fail miserably. I wouldn’t be apart if that – I’m far to young and knowledgable for that. I guess I’m just really bad at talking to folk of the opposite sex. Although, I know what I want and who I want. It just comes down to the problem if me not knowing what to do and the fear of being rejected.
I am fully aware that rejection happens to everyone, and that’s safe and healthy. I believe that it’s also knowing where you stand and knowing your limits on rejection. For me – not to sound like some overly committed freak – rejection just seems too overbearing. I would not be able to handle it, whether it is giving or recieving.
Too much stress to handle.