A moment of realization

Going beyond my typical new year’s resolutions, I started changing last year. The way I see it, I should not have to change for a new year, but because I want to change myself. Not to fit into the typical gap and latching onto what everyone else is doing, because then I wont do anything. 

I don’t like that – it gets absolutely nothing done.

So, I started reading the bible last year, using the bible app for it’s useful plans as a kick starter. From there, I would get motivated to read a psalm or a proverb and enlighten myself one day at a time.

The other day I came across a simple story about Noah saying that just because he was righteous and blameless doesn’t mean he never sinned. It means that he wholeheartedly loved and obeyed God. This is something that I am very aware of,( “for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” Rom 3:23). However, the very last question the small excerpt had for me to dwell on was, “are we influencing others or being influenced by them?” I thought long and hard about this question, about who I was now, who I was in my past and who I wanted to be. To any other person not focusing or taking the question in depth would say, ” i think i influence others”, but that’s just it, you think you’re doing something influential, you think that you’re being a change. You should never think that, you should be certain, not prideful, but aware. Not gloating, but conscious. 

Before I read the given verse of Gen 6:9, I thought and responded truthfully to myself and to God. I am easily influenced by others. Fitting in is a huge issue with many people, we all want to please one another and no one takes a stand to be the changer. I want to change, I always have and so I shall. It’s easier said than done. You need to get out of the shell, cut loose from whatever is holding you to your comfort zone. It’s okay to have a comfort zone, but it shouldn’t be what you cling to in ever situation no matter how simple. 

That same day, while I was still hyped up on the Word, I read another plan that gave me 1 Thess 5:16-18, ” Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

I am a person who struggles with her emotions, and this verse moved me. It moved me to the point where I felt unstoppable. I know for a fact that I can be a change. I was already given a leader, now all I need to be is a follower. Following the Word, its wisdom and it’s little tips to get through life. As Phil 4:13 says, ” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” 

No life is not simple, yes times will get hard, so hard to the point where you want to give up, but it’s important that you keep going because as it says, all throughout the bible, God has a plan. Even if you don’t believe in God, or any religion, you were put on this earth for a reason. To be in contact with other living beings, to thrive in the green, to look up at the various blue and to travel around this huge globe and find so much more.

The World

Batman vs. Santa — Bill Sienkiewicz

A

So, today was a rough day. After going to church after a long time, i felt very out of place. I even contemplated breaking up with a- but im not and i didnt. I sent him a long message deeply going into my feelings and how much i appreciated him. After his doctor appointment, he saw it and told me he cried about it. I know this is a sudden and a mushed together post, but i appreciate him a lot.

 

A

My favorite thing about when we talk is he tells me how happy he us to help other people. He got so emotional when he was doing charity work, it warmed my heart.

When he texts me at work about it all i can do is smile. It’s silly but it’s mine.

I’ve realized that long distance relationships are really good.you may say it’s bad finding someone online, but after a while you become best friends. That’s when it’s gets good, and honestly i couldn’t think of a better relationship. I consider this a first for me.every other relationship just seemed fake and i was just lying to myself.this is real and i love it, just as much as i say i love him.

A-

Normally I would get a good morning from A-, but i didn’t. I didn’t get anything all day. So naturally i thought he was busy at his family restaurant.

Well, around 7 o’clock, he sent me one text that said, “I love you…”

A lot of people say its too soon to say that, but i think what is between us, it’s fine. Considering people also think it shouldn’t even be mentioned because we haven’t hung out “officially”. You know what? I don’t care.

I’m in a long distance relationship. I don’t care about other people. He makes me happy and helps me love myself and I do the same for him.

And you know what? I love him too.

A-

So for about two weeks now I’ve been seeing this guy who will remain as A-. In a more disproving tone that my friends would give me if they were to find out how I met him, I figure I can say on here and not be judged or scolded. Like a lot of people these days, a long distance relationship is what I have, we met over the internet. Which is typical for me. No one I actually know would date me but that’s a whole other story with personal issues laced within it. Since I don’t post as much on here, I figure I should at least catch you up on what has been going on.

(These posts aren’t in order, so I’ll make it make sense.)

 

Now that we’re started talking more in depth, he knows how awkward and inexperienced I am when it comes to “relationships”. So far I’m really happy because he has seen me when I’m all dolled up, and when I’m an absolute slob and he hasn’t run away screaming. He’s seen me have a bad and a good day and I’ve seen the same for him in reverse. He’s so sweet and it actually warms my heart. After a long time of dwelling on it and fearing the absolute worst, I think I’m going to take that step and just go and do it. I’ll probably do it 2 weekends from now, but I’m going to go to Cincy and see him. As an early birthday present to myself and an early Christmas/New Years to the both of us. 

Who knows maybe I’ll even get one of those cheesy new year kisses. I hope not, I’m not that brave. But A is hurt so my main goal is to basically cheer him up and make food. Which he thinks is hilarious because I’m supposed to be “cooking for the chef”.

Lately, or more recently things with A- and I haven’t gone off to a god awful start and it’s nice. I feel like I just have a guy friend who occasionally uses terms of endearment and tells me to have a good nice and things. I still think it’s weird, but he’s very patient and understanding of how awkward I am. Yesterday he “cried” because I didn’t give him a selfie for two days when there was an unspoken agreement that we should send one to each other every day. I found out that he is actually really self conscious. He was afraid to tell me about his tattoo’s because he thought I would disprove of them. He doesn’t think he looks nice and I think it’s completely fine. I think he’s fine, in ever meaning of the word. 

I think A- and I will be fine. : )

Bolaño/Knausgaard (Books Acquired, 12.04.2013)

To Shave or Not To Shave: Female’s Pubic Hair Dilemma

The Hump-day Gazette

When you start a journey of sexual adventures with a new partner, you bring carnal desire and passion, but also also a number of expectations. The list varies from person to person, but for many, body hair expectations are at the top of the list.

A 2011 WGST 10 survey on body hair revealed almost every single woman removes her armpit and leg hair. While both leg and armpit hair are on rather revealing parts of the female body, on a hot summer day we don’t need the survey results to see if her armpit or leg hair is shaved. What people really wanted to know – or at least what I really wanted to know – is what’s hidden underneath women’s clothes, what’s being done to their “down there.”

Let the drum roll begin for the grand results….and ta-da! 78 percent! The same 2011 survey results show that among 191 self-identified females of the Class of 2013 who responded, 78% answered that they remove some…

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Faulty

I am a person of many faults. I have tried things and I have failed them. I have noticed my own short comings and I have anticipated my own failures. However, I have never given myself credit for the things that I do well.

In fact I have hated myself for them. 

I haven’t been on this blog in a while because I never follow up. I never keep things going and I feel like that is just going to run me into a whole in my future. I want to be successful and I want to be the best that I can be, and as of now that is what’s going to happen. I don’t have to follow the trends when I can set them. I don’t need to keep up with everyone else’s lives when I can’t even follow up with my own.

Last night, I had a revelation. A moment of realization, and these moments always happen to me. In little spurts whenever I find myself slipping in the right direction, they keep me moving. Just as I went to lie down, a thought popped into my head. 

“I was put on this earth to love Jesus, others, and myself. Through all those things, that is when I truly can feel joy.”

Now, I’m not going to make this into a post solely based on my faith, only because I’m not sure where I am in that sense. This is, however a moment of truce. I’ve been so worked up over my nano story and not finishing on time. So caught up on how there aren’t enough hours in the day, well that’s adulthood. There aren’t and when there are going to be, they will be considered lazy days, and that’s okay. The one thing out of that thought that I haven’t followed up with, is loving myself and my whole life I’ve been told to do so. Then told to stop being so selfish and focus on the time and patience of others. I was so caught up in everyone that I completely ignored myself.

I’ve been taking these antidepressants and they have truly helped me in this battle of self loathing, to the point where I look in the mirror and smile instead of scowling in disgust. The only reason I started taking medicine was because I prayed to God at work that it would go away. That it would just be vanished and that I would love myself and begin to find someone who loved me and lo and behold after that, that’s exactly what happened. You can’t rush love of course, but I’m finding my way to appreciate everything and everyone including myself and that’s the first step. They always say, a man loves a girl with confidence and I plan on running the streets with all my confidence.

The times are changing. Things are going to be a lot more about me and changing my view on myself. Then it’ll change my view of everyone else and it’ll be a delightful cycle of how Jesus did this. God gave me this courage to change my view on myself and through changing me, I can help change the world.

Faults and all.

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